Now that I’ve done two columns on the devil it’s time to exorcise the old bastard and move on.
The first exorcist was Jesus of Nazareth, who simply ordered demons to depart the persons they possessed.
The successful exorcisms Jesus conducted were considered His first miracles and thereafter exorcism became a mainstay for promoting Christianity, on the basis that if the devil exists, so must God.
Jesus wanted all of his disciples to possess the power to smoke out demons and see them gone. However, once Christianity became an organized religion, its high priests adopted exorcism as their exclusive domain and set “requirements” and “qualifications” for those “allowed” to exorcise demons.
To become an exorcist, as Jesus wanted everyone to be, the only requirements are a handful of prayers in Latin, a cross, a vial of holy water, the fortitude to engage hell—and a pack of Depends.
It also helps to possess an understanding of Diablo.
The demon does not have supernatural powers but only preternatural powers of illusion and observation; it is not all-knowing (though pretends to be and feigns such omniscience) but knows your physical weaknesses and where you’ve been (just like Santa Claus knows who’s naughty and nice).
Before proceeding with an exorcism, discernment of diabolic intrusion is necessary i.e. four tests to determine if possession is truly present or if you are dealing with mental illness:
Does the subject exhibit abnormal strength? A knowledge of an unknown language? A knowledge of hidden things? An aversion to things holy and sacred (demons cannot bear looking at holy objects and are especially terrified of the Virgin Mary).
One must first test for “pseudo-possession”: Pretend to use Latin prayer and Holy water but actually use Latin prose and un-blessed water. If the subject reacts, she is faking (most victims of possession are women, a ratio of 7-3).
Demonic presence manifests four ways: Infestation (say, of a premises); oppression (whereby external demons haunt with voices or physical abuse); obsession; possession.
If possessed, the victim must be a willing participant in an exorcism and must be prompted to say, “Eternal father, you are my creator, I adore you”—so don’t try exorcising anyone behind their back or against their will, it won’t work.
Demand with these words: “I command you, in the name of God, to depart”—and try to mean it. If the devil is present, you probably will.
Demons will not speak unless ordered to do so and are loath to reveal themselves or their names, which they consider defeat. Do not ask the demon any questions other than its name. After the demon reveals itself, intensify pressure; the subject may appear to pass out as the demon tries to avoid hearing prayer. When that happens, pray louder. If the demon intimidates with intense eyes, stare it down.
Be aware that the demon may pretend to depart, so stick around a while, be thorough and (poof), like that… it’s gone.