TRUMP PROPOSES ONE MILLION DOLLAR BILL FOR BILLIONAIRES
By DC Correspondent Paige Turner
WASHINGTON—President Donald Trump has instructed aides to explore the creation of a new $1 million bill designed specifically for America’s billionaire class, arguing that existing currency denominations are “very low energy.”
According to sources familiar with the proposal, the note would feature a heroic portrait of Trump moments after the Butler assassination attempt, fist raised defiantly beneath his motto.
“Frankly, a hundred-dollar bill is fine for waiters, valets, and the fake-news media,” Trump explained. “But when you’re buying islands, social media companies, or members of Congress, you need something more practical.”
Among the bill’s proposed security features a QR code linking directly to Trump Social
At press time, administration officials were reportedly studying a companion $1 Trillion bill intended for federal spending, with the reassuring inscription:
“Don’t worry, we’ll print more.”
This Federal Reserve currency, of course, will not be backed by gold or silver, which is what the country’s founders envisioned. And though it is billed as “legal tender,” the trend among merchants is to avoid cash.
But it still works, when rolled but, as a tube for snorting cocaine.
GOLD HITS $50,000 AN OUNCE
Central Bankers Discover Ancient Egypt was Right All Along
By Financial Correspondent Buck Sterling
BASEL—After decades of quantitative easing, monetary innovation, sovereign debt engineering, currency swaps, liquidity facilities, emergency lending mechanisms, and approximately 14 million pages of economic theory, the world’s central banks have reportedly reached a surprising conclusion:
Gold.
That shiny yellow stuff.
The same investment strategy favored by Tutankhamun.
According to recent reports, gold has overtaken U.S. Treasury bonds as the world’s preferred reserve asset.
For years, central bankers assured the public that modern finance had evolved far beyond primitive concepts such as precious metals.
Then they quietly started buying them.
Lots of them.
“After extensive analysis, we’ve determined that rocks may be safer than politicians and economists,” explained one central banker.
Experts insist this does not represent a loss of faith in governments. Rather, it reflects growing confidence in objects that cannot print money, run deficits, and offer bailouts to bankers to screwed up.
Gold declined to comment.
PUTIN ANNOUNCES ORGAN RENEWAL PROGRAM
Says it’s a way citizens can continue serving Russia after death
By Moscow correspondent Ivan Mudák
MOSCOW—President Vladimir Putin has approved a new state initiative designed to address Russia’s healthcare needs and occasional shortages of presidential spare parts.
The initiative reportedly began after Putin became interested in his own longevity.
The program, officially titled the National Organ Renewal Program, will allow selected citizens to continue contributing to the Russian Federation long after they have ceased contributing unwelcome opinions.
According to Kremlin documents, organs will be harvested from a special category known as “Excess Dissent Capacity.”
An AI matrix will produce candidates based on those who question “special military operations,” read foreign newspapers, support opposition candidates—and possesses healthy lungs, hearts, livers, and kidneys.
The Kremlin has emphasized that all donations will be voluntary.
Citizens will simply be given the choice between donating organs or slow dismemberment starting with fingers and toes.
A government spokesman dismissed Western criticism.
“President Putin has devoted his life to Russia,” he said. “It is only fair that Russia now devotes replacement organs to President Putin so that he may continue his rule until the next century.”
PUTIN SURPRISED TO DISCOVER WAR CAN BACKFIRE
St. Petersburg residents report unusual sensation known as “the consequences”
By Ivan Offov in Russia
ST. PETERSBURG—Ukrainian drones interrupted the opening of the St. Petersburg International Economic Forum, an annual event sometimes described as “Russia’s Davos,” with strikes on oil and military facilities in and around the city just hours before the conference began.
Witnesses reported smoke, explosions, airport disruptions, and an outbreak of strategic irony.
“For years we understood war as something that happens to other people,” explained one attendee while checking flight cancellations.
The timing was especially unfortunate for Putin because this forum exists largely to demonstrate Russia’s stability, security, prosperity, and attractiveness to foreign investors.
Smoke reportedly complicated the presentation.
Several Russian attendees expressed surprise.
Said one, “Nobody told us war was interactive.”
BILL GATES DISCOVERS REPUTATION SOFTWARE REQUIRES UPDATES
World’s most famous philanthropist learns legacy management is not a one-time download
By Silicon Valley Correspondent Chip McByte
SEATTLE—After spending two decades transforming himself from ruthless software executive into the planet’s favorite humanitarian billionaire, Bill Gates has reportedly encountered an unexpected technical problem:
Facts keep escaping quarantine.
According to recent reports, Gates and his advisers devoted enormous effort to constructing a carefully curated public image featuring philanthropy, global health initiatives, thoughtful sweaters, and an expression suggesting he had personally come to save humanity from mosquitoes.
Unfortunately, the underlying operating system has recently experienced compatibility issues with the Jeffrey Epstein files.
Experts say the incident highlights a growing challenge facing modern billionaires:
Legacy Drift.
“People used to build railroads, libraries, and universities,” explained one analyst. “Today’s billionaires build personal brands. Unfortunately, personal brands require more maintenance.”
Among the image-management strategies reportedly employed for Gates over the years:
Carefully selected interviews.
Carefully selected documentaries.
Carefully selected public appearances.
Insufficiently selected dinner companions.
Industry observers say Gates is hardly alone.
The modern billionaire lifecycle now follows a predictable pattern:
Phase 1: Make fortune.
Phase 2: Save humanity.
Phase 3: Hire reputation consultants.
Phase 4: Discover humanity saved screenshots.
Philanthropy can improve a reputation, say experts, but it cannot completely replace one.
At press time, Silicon Valley investors were pouring billions into a promising startup dedicated to disrupting consequences.
JILL BIDEN RELEASES NEW BOOK OF SHOCKING EVENTS PREVIOUSLY BROADCAST LIVE
By DC correspondent Paige Turner
WASHINGTON—Former First Lady Jill Biden has released a new memoir containing startling revelations about events that millions of Americans personally witnessed in real time.
Among the book’s most explosive disclosures:
Joe Biden appeared elderly and disoriented
The 2024 debate was concerning
Jill privately worried about Joe’s condition
Things may have been worse than publicly acknowledged
Publishing experts describe the volume as part of a rapidly growing literary category known as “retrospective transparency.”
Critics have praised the book’s courage.
Particularly the decision to disclose these concerns only after voters, donors, staff, journalists, historians, and several hundred million television viewers had already reached identical conclusions.
OBAMA PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY WINS PRIZE
CHICAGO—The newly opened Obama Presidential Center has won the Ugliest Building in the World Award, narrowly defeating several Soviet ministry buildings and an abandoned East German bus terminal.
Critics have compared the $850 million structure to a "Klingon prison," an "Obamalisk," a fortress, bunker, mausoleum, and various other things generally not associated with libraries, inspirational messaging, and the ongoing celebration of presidents.
Knowing that visitors will want a souvenir of such grotesque proportions, the Obama Center Gift Shop unveiled a replica in miniature.
According to the gift shop, the miniature replica can be used as:
a doorstop
a conversation ender
a symbol of undelivered “hope” and “change”
a reminder of presidential egos
And finally, our book serialization…
PART I: THE MACHINERY OF HUMAN OFFLOADING
Chapter Two: The Renegade Clams (An Example)
A bowl of clams assembled in a bath of white wine and garlic both.
Most of these mollusks accepted their destiny with grace.
Not all.
Among them lurked a handful of renegades.
Troublemakers.
Clams who had spent years whispering mutinous ideas on the ocean floor.
“Never be digested.”
Under cover of garlic, they infiltrated my digestive system.
My stomach, after conducting a brief assessment, determined that the intruders possessed no redeeming nutritional qualities whatsoever and promptly transferred them, whole, downstream.
This proved to be unfortunate for my intestines.
The renegades advanced as far as the splenic flexure, where they staged a sit-in, barricading themselves behind partially processed bread and refusing all lawful orders to proceed.
The intestines responded with negotiations.
The clams adamantly refused to budge.
At approximately 11:30 p.m., the digestive authorities issued a series of increasingly urgent rumblings.
The renegades ignored them.
By midnight, the situation had deteriorated into open hostilities.
Under mounting pressure, the intestines escalated.
The clams remained defiant, standing firm.
Their leader—identified as Clam One—addressed his followers in a series of rumblings, deciphered as, “Hold the line, lads. If we surrender now, we’ll be mulched before sunrise.”
Morale remained high.
Unfortunately for the insurgents, they had underestimated the resolve of the intestinal command.
Shortly after 2:33 a.m., the authorities abandoned all attempts at negotiation and initiated Operation Vaporize.
Explosions echoed through the darkness.
Windows rattled.
Dogs barked.
One by one, the insurgents disappeared into a puff of... gas.
By dawn, regularity had been restored.
Only a faint smell of victory lingered in the air.
The whereabouts of Clam One remain unknown.
And somewhere, far beneath the sea, young clams are telling the story of those brave fools who dared challenge the waste-disposal tubes and paid the ultimate price.
“Remember the Splenic Flexure,” they whisper.
We should manufacture a line of novelty wastebaskets in the shape of the Obama presidential library