ERIC SCHMIDT UNVEILS NEW AI MODEL TRAINED TO IDENTIFY WOMEN 40 YEARS YOUNGER
TUCSON, AZ—Former Google CEO Eric Schmidt was booed at a university commencement this week after students mistakenly assumed he was there to discuss artificial intelligence, when in fact observers say he was merely conducting routine field research.
“University campuses have long been important testing environments,” explained a Silicon Valley analyst. “Young coeds. High data density. Fresh inputs.”
Schmidt, taking the stage before thousands of graduates, reportedly launched into a speech about AI, machine learning, and humanity’s technological future, describing the commencement as “an invaluable recruitment environment.” Aides later clarified he was referring to talent, not dating prospects.
“Eric is deeply committed to youth development,” said a spokesperson, carefully not elaborating.
Observers noted that speaking at a university offered Schmidt a rare efficiency play: one venue, thousands of ambitious twenty-somethings, minimal travel time. Silicon Valley calls this scaling.
One student said: “At first I thought he was explaining algorithmic targeting. Then I realized we were the algorithmic targets.”
TRUMP THREATENS IRAN WITH ANNIHILATION FOR 20TH TIME THIS MONTH
By Paige Turner
WASHINGTON—President Donald Trump once again warned Iran that “the clock is ticking,” adding that Tehran had better move “FAST” or “there won’t be anything left of them.”
The latest threat follows earlier Trumpian flourishes involving “annihilation,” a “whole civilization” dying, and other phrases normally associated with Bronze Age prophets, Bond villains, or unmedicated men shouting at valet parking attendants.
Sources say a rotating team of staffers now monitors Truth Social around the clock to determine whether America is at DEFCON 2 or whether the president needs another Diet Coke.
Foreign diplomats, meanwhile, have begun using a conversion chart translating Trump rhetoric into conventional statecraft.
For example:
“THE CLOCK IS TICKING” = Please return our call.
“MOVE FAST” = Negotiations remain open.
“THERE WON’T BE ANYTHING LEFT OF YOU” = Some differences remain.
IRAN EYES GUINNESS RECORD FOR MOST EXECUTIONS IN A CALENDAR YEAR
By Farouk Mee
TEHRAN—Iranian authorities are reportedly pushing hard for international recognition in a category not traditionally associated with national pride: Most Executions in a Single Year.
According to human rights monitors, Iran’s execution tally has surged dramatically as it tries to keep up with political prisoner organ harvesting in China.
“Other nations chase Olympic medals, GDP growth, or literacy rates,” explained an executioner while adjusting a noose. “We prefer legacy metrics.”
Tehran is also exploring adjacent record classifications such as:
Fastest Judicial Proceeding With Predetermined Outcome
Most Confessions Obtained Under Inspirational Circumstances
OREGONIAN HOMEOWNER ARRESTED FOLLOWING HOME INVASION
PORTLAND— In a landmark demonstration of modern urban governance, a Portland mother who confronted a home intruder was arrested, handcuffed, and introduced to the criminal justice system for what witnesses described as the brandishing of a menacing stick.
“I heard a loud voice in my house,” the mother sobbed. “He was just yelling, really loudly, that he would kill every one and I just lost it.”
The intruder was treated with the appropriate sensitivity and allowed to process his experience and continue his personal journey.
A police spokesperson stressed that while unauthorized entry into private homes is discouraged, homeowners responding with improvised weaponry represents an unacceptable escalation.
City officials are considering a pilot program encouraging homeowners to de-escalate future break-ins with herbal tea, affirmations, and a QR code linking intruders to social services.
Meanwhile, Portland’s Office of Equitable Crisis Navigation is drafting new guidelines, including a recommendation that residents politely ask invading strangers how they prefer to be addressed.
SEATTLE DECLARES WAR ON STARBUCKS, CAPITALISM, AND BASIC ECONOMIC SELF-INTEREST
By Pacific Northwest Correspondent Rainy Greenwald
SEATTLE—In a bold experiment to determine whether a city can survive entirely on ideology, bicycle lanes, and artisanal resentment, Seattle’s socialist mayor Katie Wilson waved goodbye to millionaires, encouraged a boycott of Starbucks, and generally behaved like someone trying to turn a financial hub into an economic desert.
Mayor Wilson dismissed concerns that wealthy residents might flee Washington’s new tax climate her economic policy slogan: “Like, bye.”
Nashville—home to a major Starbucks expansion—responded with, “Like, hi.”
Seattle’s residents, meanwhile, are beginning to wonder whether antagonizing your flagship employer is, from a governance perspective, ideal.
However, local progressives insist this is all part of a visionary transition toward a post-capitalist civic model in which revenue will somehow be generated by replacing vacant office towers with poetry centers, converting Starbucks sites into grievance kiosks, and asking departing taxpayers to please leave behind their unspent DoorDash credits, reusable tote bags, and whatever loose change they can spare.
MOTHER NATURE ISSUES PERIODIC POPULATION FEEDBACK
By Cassandra Graves, Gloom & Doom Editor
GENEVA—In what environmental observers are calling “a recurring systems correction,” Mother Nature has once again deployed Ebola to remind humanity that despite its apps, podcasts, electric SUVs, and emotional support water bottles, it is not in control of everything.
The latest outbreak is complicated by armed militias, weakened health systems, delayed detection, and no preventive vaccine.
“Every few years humanity gets a note,” said an epidemiologist. “A note that reads: You are guests here.”
Critics say the timing is poor, given that humanity is already contending with political instability, various wars, AI anxiety, rising inflation, and adults filming themselves crying on TikTok.
Asked whether humanity had learned anything from recent pandemics, a spokesman paused before replying: “Yes, keep an extra roll of toilet paper on hand. Wait a sec, this is Ebola, better make it two rolls—and maybe a box of Depends.”
Which brings us to…
This week, GAS begins serializing a new, groundbreaking self-help/good health guide on a topic long ignored by mainstream medicine.
THE PURGE PRINCIPLE: Expulsion Therapy by Dr. Nicholas Purcell examines a strangely neglected pillar of human wellness: not what goes into the body—but what successfully comes out.
Walk into any bookstore and the health section groans beneath titles advising what to put into your body.
Eat this. Avoid that.
Take magnesium. Quit gluten.
Drink more water. Drink less alcohol.
Consume probiotics. Eliminate seed oils.
Swallow supplements harvested by monks from obscure Himalayan slopes.
The modern wellness industry has become a kind of ingestion cult.
Curiously neglected is an equally important question:
What, exactly, is coming out?
This, dear reader, is where The Purge Principle enters the clinical discussion.
For reasons that remain baffling, modern medicine devotes enormous attention to what enters the human system while displaying comparatively little enthusiasm for what successfully exits it.
Yet every functioning organism depends upon elimination of carbon dioxide, sweat, phlegm, tears, etc., including the occasional regrettable opinion.
Without these inelegant expulsions, the human body would quickly become less a temple than a biohazard storage facility.
And yet civilized society teaches suppression.
Do not cry in public. Do not belch. Do not break wind. Do not discuss bowel habits. Do not mention mucus unless in receipt of a medical degree.
This may be a mistake.
For what is health, if not the successful management of input and output?
A river remains fresh because it flows.
A swamp, by contrast, retains.
The distinction is not trivial.
Among the matters to be clinically examined:
Why your bladder is smarter than most elected officials
The politics of constipation and how it may affect building permits
Mucus as homeland security
Tears: leakage, emotional drainage, or Trump Derangement Syndrome?
Next week: The Tyranny of Retention.
Because nothing good comes from keeping everything in.