MONTECITO & SB: RESTAURANT REVIEWS
Here We Go: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
A few years ago I did a one-time review of restaurants along Montecito’s Coast Village Road for the Santa Barbara News-Press.
Consequently, one of them banned me. (Waaah!)
Well, after a serene sabbatical in the Wine Valley… I’m back!
Here on Substack.
And, as always, writing the truth as I taste it.
Santa Barbara County restaurants will now get a second dose of brutally honest assessments—with zero patience for “celebrity” chefs or “guru” owners who crumble at the taste of veracity.
Even my current favorites aren’t safe. If they’re off their game the evening I visit, tough luck, I’m calling them out. God knows, restaurants are more expensive than ever these days. So they better be good—all the time.
Fred the Pig (hopefully he won’t be bacon) accurately depicts my stance on how anyone feels about my blunt, incorruptible findings…
Okay, let’s start with…
Clark’s (Coast Village Road)
Newly installed at the old Cava location, fresh into Montecito from Aspen.
I had high hopes for this venue. Sadly, such hope has gone unrealized.
Food: Nothing special, mediocre at best. Much better seafood and shellfish at Lure (in SB’s LaCumbre neighborhood) for much less moolah.
Service: If a server or bartender does not say “Hey” within ten minutes of your arrival… get the hell outta there!
Lilac (Coast Village Road)
What can you say about a restaurant whose gimmick is gluten free?
As in, everything on the menu is gluten free.
How about:
Tried breakfast: flavorless eggs poached in existential despair, served on tasteless toast, a side of wilted lettuce.
Bar Lou (Coast Village Road)
A yin to Lilac’s gluten-free yank.
This newcomer—by the team behind Dom’s in Carp—took over the space formerly occupied by Oliver’s.
Bar Lou brings French Mediterranean with a flirt of Greece to mellow Montecito.
It’s the details that win you over: a well-stocked bar offering Ricard Pastis and fine French Bordeaux by the glass, graced by a cosy fire pit on the expansive, balmy patio.
(A glass of wine should come from a bottle opened that day. You wouldn’t eat yesterday’s baguette—so why would you sip wine that’s been idling overnight? At today’s prices, a glass of wine should be fresh. And if there’s no newly uncorked bottle and no willingness to open one? Adios amigos! Thankfully, this is never a problem at Bar Lou, bless them.)
The walls are adorned with portraits of dogs better groomed than many of its patrons visiting from LA.
Two dishes stand out as outstanding (the only two I’ve tried so far):
1) Fresh fish of the day (lately, vermilion snapper) with ratatouille.
2) Beef Bourguignon served over pappardelle pasta.
If you want to satisfy your tastebuds and celebrate good taste in general, venture no further.
Secret Bao (Anacapa Street, SB)
Purveyor of Bao Buns and Bulgogi, located where iconic Coffee Cat once meowed.
This place may truly be SB’s best kept secret.
Perfect for students (or anyone) on a budget.
But even if you’re not strapped to a financial plan, the flavors here rival anything twice the price elsewhere.
