SURREAL BOUNCE: 15) GRANNY'S LOST HER MARBLES
In Search of Creativity & Madness
March 2002
I depart from mellow Montecito and relocate in London.
A new phase is about to commence, in service to the Hereditary Prince of Monaco.
Simultaneously, my younger brother has drafted me to implement my concept for a Bedlam Bar in Hampstead Village.
A little story to prompt a little story
Not far from Stearn’s Wharf in Santa Barbara, facing the ocean on the west side, sits a restaurant that serves only breakfast—gargantuan portions for people with big appetites. It is called Sambo’s, and comes from two Italian-Americans who merged a syllable each from their surnames.
Then they discovered a short illustrated children’s book called Little Black Sambo.
They purchased the rights and made its protagonist their mascot.
Little did they know the trouble this would cause one day far in the future.
For in the 1970s, the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People teamed with the American Civil Liberties Union and all but closed down the national chain that Sambo’s became, on the grounds that its name and mascot demeaned African-Americans. All that remained after judges adjudicated and lawyers got paid was the original restaurant on Cabrillo Boulevard in Santa Barbara. And they still sell Little Black Sambo. (Not anymore: It’s now Chad’s Cafe.)
That’s what I want for Bedlam Bar.
Not T-shirts and baseball caps. But a small illustrated children’s book that captures our institution’s soul and purpose, inspired by Jonathan Winters, who provided the ending.
Granny’s Lost Her Marbles
Granny was not feeling well one morning.
She did not have a sore throat.
Granny did not have an upset tummy.
Something was unwell with Granny’s brain.
Granny did not know her brain was unwell.
Other family members recognized that something about Granny was not right.
It began like this: Granny announced that strangers were watching her.
Nobody in the family paid much attention to what Granny said, even though they all lived in the same house. (Gramps had already gone to heaven.)
Maybe strangers were watching Granny?
Who cared?
Granny cared, that’s who.
And maybe that was part of the problem.
Granny’s family did not give her much attention.
So Granny got worse.
Strangers were not just watching her any more, she said.
Strangers wanted to hurt her.
Why would anyone want to hurt Granny?
Granny believed she knew the reason.
But she would not tell anyone in her family the reason.
It was secret, said Granny.
Still, nobody in the family paid Granny much attention.
If anything, they thought Granny’s new ideas were amusing.
But it soon got worse.
Granny said the strangers (32, she had counted) were trying to kill her.
Someone in the family asked, Who would want to kill you, Granny?
Granny just nodded, with a mad look in her eyes.
Someone in the family asked Granny how all these strangers were trying to kill her.
All Granny would say was that they, the strangers, were directing dangerous rays, from streetlamps, into her bedroom.
To stop these light rays getting in, Granny filled her window curtains with thousands of pins and needles.
Granny stayed in her bedroom all day, every day.
She would not join her family for breakfast, tea, or dinner.
Granny’s family placed food outside her door at meal times.
But Granny would not eat any of the food served to her.
She thought these meals were poisoned.
Instead, Granny tiptoed to the kitchen in the middle of the night to look for packaged food, like crackers or crisps, which had not yet been opened.
After eating, Granny would pace up and down the hallway, muttering, as her family tried to sleep.
Granny had lost her marbles.
Granny’s ideas were not amusing any more.
What if Granny tried to hurt someone?
(On one late-night visit to the kitchen, Granny switched on the gas jets and left them running. It might have caused a nasty explosion.)
So Granny’s family called the doctor and told him Granny had lost her marbles.
The doctor came to the house to see Granny for himself.
Granny came out to see who was there. But when she saw the doctor, Granny spun around and made a beeline for her bedroom.
The doctor and his assistants caught Granny and stopped her running away.
They put Granny in their car and drove her to a special hospital for people with un-well brains.
A special doctor, called a psychiatrist, listened to Granny say that her family was trying to kill her with electric light-beams from streetlamps.
The special doctor decided that Granny had a brain problem called paranoid-schizophrenia. These big fancy words meant that Granny heard voices that told her untrue things.
These voices were imaginary, but Granny thought they were real.
The special doctor wanted Granny to stay at his hospital for a few weeks so he could watch her.
Granny did not want to stay at the special hospital and be watched.
But Granny had to stay.
Sometimes, when people cannot take care of themselves, or if they become a danger to their families, they must do what the special doctor says.
So Granny stayed at the hospital, in a special section called a mental ward.
Granny shared a room with a black woman who also heard voices.
The black woman carried a little doll named Voodoo.
She pierced her doll with pins that she hid from the special doctor and her nurses.
Granny made a few new friends.
One of Granny’s friends liked take off all her clothes and run around naked.
Another of Granny’s friends talked to herself a lot.
This friend heard voices just like Granny, and she liked to yell back at the voices.
The special doctor gave Granny some special medicine.
The medicine helped Granny relax. But she still heard voices.
After a few weeks of medicine, the special doctor decided that Granny needed electro-shock therapy.
Electro-shock treatment was scary for Granny.
For a long time before she came to the special hospital, Granny believed strange people wanted to fill her body with electricity.
Now this special doctor and his nurses, who were strangers to Granny, wanted to fill her body with electricity.
The special doctor believed he could shock Granny’s brain back to normal.
He and his nurses strapped Granny to a bed on wheels and rolled her into the electro-shock therapy room.
Big Nurse pushed a mouth-guard onto Granny’s teeth so she could not bite her own tongue.
Another nurse planted wires onto Granny’s head.
The special doctor pressed a button.
Granny was jolted by lots and lots of electricity.
When Granny awakened, she did not think strange people were watching her.
She did not think her family was trying to kill her with light rays from streetlamps.
And she did not hear voices anymore.
Granny’s marbles had returned. Most of them, anyway.
When Granny came home, she could not remember things as well as she once did.
Granny had to take special pills that made her burp a lot.
And Granny thought the family dog was a cat.
But Granny no longer believed anyone was trying to harm her.
In memory of Brian Wilson R.I.P.
The Beach Boys founder and musical genius personified creativity & madness.
