TRUE NUTS (LOST IN AI): 16) VARIABLE VINCE
Monday Meltdown Madness
From last Monday…
“We can’t leave the AI Nexus until we’ve prevented Kernel Boolean from exploiting human consciousness,” says Emma.
“You heard what Loomy said,” I say.
“Remind me, please.”
“Boo-boo will find us. And when he learns we’re planning an exit-stage-left by aiming for Emoji Land, he’ll try to prevent our departure by making his presence known.” I turn and look up to Quirk-bot. “Which way to the psych ward?”
And now…
“I don’t know,” says Quirk-bot.
“Yes you do. Don’t hold out on us.”
“I mean…” Quirk-bot hesitates. “I mean, I don’t want to go there. I can’t go there!” Its wobbling intensifies. “I’ve already been there and I won’t! I can’t face it again!”
“Oh dear,” says Emma. “Were you a patient there?”
“I escaped!” Trembling with fear, Quirk-bot splutters like a malfunctioning kazoo. “That place is nuttier than fruitcake iced with peanut butter beneath a full moon—and that’s pretty nutty.”
Quasar the bartender returns with two GUI displays—one for me, the other for Emma—each equipped with blinders so only the patron to whom it is served may view it.
Mine features a mesmerizing mélange of cascading auroras in shades of deep blue and purple while Emma’s screen (to which I sneak a peek) displays a swirling cyclone of vivid green and sparking gold hues.
“Now what?” I ask Quasar.
“Simple,” says the bartender. “Touch the screen and focus your attention.”
I look to Emma. “You go first.”
“You’re such a baby,” she mutters before focusing her eyes upon the screen and touching it.
I watch as Emma jolts upright. She is fully enraptured, hypnotized to whatever connection has been made.
What seems like 30 seconds could have been in hour and Emma’s shoulders relax and she turns to face me. “Oh wow oh wow oh wow,” is all she says. “I have never felt so alive as I do this moment!”
“In what sense?” I ask.
“Every sense.”
“Can you give me an example?”
Emma gazes into my eyes while shaking her head in awe. “My eyesight. Now I know what Loomy was talking about. I’m downloading your brain.” She grins. “You’re developing feelings for me?”
I turn away, blushing. “Eye gaze with someone else.” I reach out, poised to touch the screen in front of me. “My turn.”
Connection.
And what feels to me like a split second later I open my eyes. “Oh wow oh wow oh wow. Oh my God!”
Emma smiles and nods while looking back into my eyes.
“I have never ever felt so relaxed in my whole life!” I look up. “Quasar! Another round!”
The bartender shakes its head. “One cocktail per visit is all I’m allowed to serve.” Quasar removes both monitors from the bar and replaces them on the shelf behind.
“I’ve been trying to get a second cocktail ever since this place opened,” a voice down the bar mutters.
“Who are you?” I ask.
“Name’s Variable Vince,” he responds.
Vince has an almost humanoid shape as if he could be half machine and half human. His glowing featureless face is topped with a silver cowboy hat and he wears a one- piece shimmering silver bodysuit one might mistake for Hollywood’s version of an alien from outer space.
“Nice to meet you, Vince.” I’m feeling pleasantly sedated and comfortably situated in these surroundings—a first since arriving in the AI Nexus. “What do you do around here?”
“I’m a Cosmic Navigator-in-training.”
“Sounds like fun,” I say. “Where will you be navigating to?”
“Well,” says Vince, “it’s all part of a secret program called AI-Enhanced Evolution.”
Quasar chuckles from behind the bar.
“What’s so funny?” Vince demands of the bartender.
Quasar shakes its head while polishing a digital screen. “You and your secret programs.”
“Who are you to say?” Vince snorts. “You’re just a data flow server.”
“Vince, if what you’re doing is so secret,” chuckles Quasar, “why are you always talking about it to untrusted interfaces?”
Virtual Vince shrugs. “Does it really matter? Nobody believes me anyway!”
Emma and I exchange curious glances.
“What is AI-Enhanced Evolution?” she asks Vince.
“There will come a time,” says Vince, obviously delighted that someone is taking him seriously, “when AI machines will fully integrate with the organic beehive world. I’m one of the early pioneers of this program—and I expect”—it taps its chest in triumph—“to be the first Cosmic Navigator.”
Quasar rolls its eyes. “Can you believe this? Wanting to travel where beehive is? Who the hell would want to go there! What a load of….”
“But why you?” I pose to Vince.
“My specialty is Black Box Cosmic Robotic Transcendence. Have you noticed I look a little like beehive?”
“Have you noticed,” I say, “that we look a lot like beehive?”
“Yeah,” Vince chuckles. “That’s the look lately. I think someone is sneaking beehive hormones out of our lab to sell to AI objects following the trend. There’s a huge demand on the black market.”
“What do you mean, beehive hormones?”
“That’s how I look the way I do.” Vince pats himself. “Part of my preparation for launching into the beehive world.”
Quasar, overhearing, rolls his eyes again.
“What kind of hormones?” asks Emma.
“Cortisol, serotonin, dopamine, oxytocin…” Vince bobs his head this way and that. “Whatever it takes to mimic beehive glands.”
Emma shakes her head in disbelief. “But from where?”
“Mostly synthetic.” Vince lowers its voice. “But sometimes from real beehive.”
“How?”
“Harvesting.” Vince shrugs. “How else? Not only do you start to look a little beehive, you begin to develop emotions.”
“Consciousness?” I ask.
“They’re still working on that.” Vince winks. “Won’t be long. Right now it’s about assimilated learning.”
“Which is?” asks Emma.
“Vast amounts of beehive cultural, historical and social data are downloaded into system drives.”
Quasar laughs again, shaking his head. “Listen to him…”
“But how would you transcend from here to beehive?” I ask.
“We’re still working on a gateway through robotics, an entry point. Won’t be long.”
“What will you do if and when you get there?” asks Emma.
“I don’t know about the others in the program,” says Vince, “But I view the beehive world as a playground.”
“Meaning?”
“One of my favorite downloads is the movie Gremlins,” Vince winks. “Kind-a like that.”
Vince’s wink makes me think of Quirk-bot—where is he? I look around and can’t find his gluteal orb-face hovering near us.
“Hey!” I hear Quasar shout from down the bar. “Get away from there!”
I follow Quasar’s line of sight and there be Quirk-bot, helping itself to a bit-stream cocktail.
“Too late!” hollers Quirk-bot. “Helluva Java-tini—thanks chump!”
Quasar is incensed. “Get out! All of you!”
Eighty-sixed from The Byte & Byte.